Our brain is an incredible learning machine! The more we repeatedly expose it to an action, the quicker and more effective it becomes in executing the skill. New neural pathways form to reinforce the circuitry to make this habit second nature... have you heard the expression: neurons that fire together, wire together? Over time, we don’t even have to put any effort or conscious intention into performing the task. We have successfully conditioned ourselves towards a behavior!
This is an amazing feature to have. It’s what allows us to become adept at playing a musical instrument or developing any high performing skill. The flip side though, is that we can also become very skilled at less desirable habits. These are particularly problematic if they become part of our unconscious default mode.
So the question is: what are we training ourselves to do? What is the impact of this habit? Does the conditioning contribute towards our long term well being? Is it alignment with our core values? Is there enough awareness available so that we can consciously choose to engage in the habit, or is it compulsive and we only notice it in hindsight? What needs does this habit meet? Is there a more skillful way to meet these needs? Can we train ourselves to do that instead?
Breaking “bad” habits is one of the toughest things to do because it literally requires creating new neural pathways. Instead of doing this though, we tend to deal with the habits that we don’t like by rejecting, suppressing, controlling and shaming them. These strategies rarely work in changing behavior. It is counterproductive because it prevents us from actually seeing and honoring the underlying needs that the habit meets. In addition, it creates more unpleasantness which increases the likelihood that we will use our habit as a coping mechanism. This locks us in a cycle of re-triggering and reinforcing the conditioning.
So how can we drop unhealthy habits?
We let go of unhealthy habits by bringing mindfulness into what is actually happening. We meet the unpleasant/discomfort that is triggering the habit - with interest and care. We allow ourselves to feel the emotions, nonjudgmentally, that want to be expressed.
Emotions point us towards our underlying human needs. Unpleasant emotions are particularly important because they signal when a fundamental need is not being met. If we skip over these to go straight into a coping strategy, we miss out on important information. The need will remain unmet, the emotions will continue to arise to get our attention, and we will be kept in a perpetual state of having to manage the situation.
Being tenderly with what is happening soothes the nervous system. It is a form of self empathy that de-escalates the situation, so that instead of going straight into unconscious conditioning, we can stay with our experience. Allowing and accepting what is happening also frees up the energy we were using to resist, so that more awareness can be available to “see” what is wanting attention. When we connect to the underlying unmet needs and honor our conditioned attempts of meeting those needs (versus shaming them, after all, they did provide immediate relief even if they were ineffective in the long run) we take our first step towards freedom. Clarity gives us the choice and creativity needed to find a more skillful response to replace the habit. In this way, we can gently rewrite our conditioning with new constructive strategies that better promote our long term well being.
So...the invitation for this week is to bring mindfulness into our “guilty” pleasures. While they might seem like a good and innocuous strategy that offers immediate relief and ease, what is the long term cost?
Informal practice: study yourself in relation to your guilty pleasures
What are your guilty pleasures?
When do you tend to indulge in them (under what conditions, what time of the day, after what kind of events)?
Is it a conscious choice or is it compulsion (there is little awareness or will power presents, you realize in hindsight that you engaged with it)?
What needs do you meet by indulging in your guilty pleasures?
What are the short term and long term impacts of your guilty pleasure (physical, emotional and mental)?
Can you think of a new strategy to meet those needs?
Formal practice: sit everyday for 10 - 20 minutes. Choose an anchor or resting place for your attention (i.e. breath, sounds, body sensations) and set your intention to stay with the anchor. Notice any drifting away from the anchor.
What pulls you away from your anchor? Are they thoughts of problem solving, daydreaming, or planning? Or is it not wanting to feel uncomfortable emotions or mental states?
How do you react to these distractions? What happens in the body, emotional and mental field when you get absorbed into these distractions?
When you engage with the distraction, is it conscious or compulsive? What is the impact?
What needs do you meet by indulging? Can you connect deeply with the needs instead of indulging in the distraction? What happens when you connect with the need instead?