Meditation can become such an interesting dilemma if we are going into it with an expectation of a certain outcome. Whether that outcome be wanting to feel calm, or to disengage from the thinking mind, or wanting to have more awareness (concentration) or to feel more self connected...
While it's helpful to get clarity around our purpose for meditating, it's also important to hold the intention loosely. Otherwise meditation can become another stressful act of striving, evaluating, and self judgment. The attitude of doing, or getting it right, or trying to get something out of… creates expectation. Expectation generates pressure, and not meeting expectation throws us into a chain of negative emotions and thoughts that solidify into some kind of self identifying story around our competency. The tension and suffering that arises from focusing on outcome, not only pulls us away from presence, but further fuels the conditions for disconnection.
As a meditator, it's quite normal for us to think that we can will ourselves into presence or to stop the thinking mind. After all, isn’t that how we do the rest of our life? If we want something, we work towards it! We try and put effort until we achieve our goals.
While these strategies might be helpful in navigating our day to day, they have the complete opposite effect in meditation. The more we try to make something happen, the further it pulls us away from actually being with our experience. Presence comes from surrendering to what is happening, as it is. This is what allows us to deeply connect to the moment. We can’t contrive it. Any agenda or attempts at making things be in a particular way creates disconnection.
So the question is, how can we cultivate presence if any sort of doing gets in the way?
One way is to understand that the availability of awareness is dependent on the state of our nervous system. A nervous system that is resourced, relaxed and receptive will be more supportive of having awareness.
If our nervous system is overly activated and the body goes into a state of fight/flight/freeze, the part of our brain that supports consciousness shuts down. What takes over instead is the survival part of the brain which relies on default programming to run the show. Meaning that, there is very little conscious awareness available in that moment. The same thing happens if our nervous system is under activated. A lack of energy, whether that be due to insufficient rest or an increase in energetic demand in our lives, leaves us exhausted. Being under-resourced makes it very difficult to have clarity or attention.
Unfortunately, the lifestyle that most of us lead, keeps us pendulating back and forth between these two extreme states. We are either hyperactive with the amount of stimulus, busyness, and speed in which we live. Or we are left completely exhausted from the tremendous amount of energy that this expends, compounded with lack of down time or sleep. There is little time and space built into our day for the nervous system to recover, replenish and re-establish homeostasis.
So it's no surprise that when we finally settle to meditate, a lot of what we are witnessing is just the nervous system discharging excess energy built up from the momentum of our lives. Experiences that did not get to be fully metabolized take advantage of this pause, to integrate. Emotions that were not felt rise to the surface. This shows up as an incredible amount of mental and emotional activity that can be quite intense and unpleasant - in particular if we are meditating to get quieter or calmer. The not wanting what is happening, and the strategizing to “improve” the situation only serves to add an additional layer of tension. This makes it almost impossible for the nervous system to fully unwind and for presence to arise.
So, how do we deal with the dilemma of wanting to have more presence and yet knowing that any trying or efforting will just throw us further off course from being connected?
Well, we can start by letting go of any expectation of what meditation should be like. We surrender to the understanding that we have little to no control over what is happening during our sits. Our state of being is beyond the scope of will power, it's mostly the results of the conditions at hand and biology.
Can we stop interfering with our experience and instead be with its unfolding? Can we step back and trust the millions of years of experience and refinement that our organism has developed in reaching homeostasis? Instead of adding pressure and then judgement, what would happen if we accepted, allowed and supported our body’s wisdom? What is really being asked of us in meditation is to renounce control.
Another aspect that we can focus on if we want to cultivate presence, is our lifestyle. The choices that we make create the conditions that affect the nervous system which in turn, influence the availability of awareness or presence. Slowing down, reducing the amount of stimulus, and creating more space in between activities;makes it manageable for our system to receive, process and respond to input without going on overdrive. Avoiding situations that tend to unnecessarily activate us and orienting more towards those that soothe, connect and enliven us; creates the conditions for presence.
This is a gentle process that accrues over time. The more we unwind, the more awareness becomes available for us to examine and see clearly what is conducive to presence and what is not.
The invitation this week is to run your own experiment: how does supporting your nervous system in reaching homeostasis affect the amount of presence in your life?
Informal practice: bring attention to your current lifestyle
What is the overall state of your nervous system?
What kind of activities tend to be triggering and send your nervous system into hyper arousal? What types of activities are soothing?
Notice how the availability of awareness fluctuates during the day and the week and note the conditions.
Experiment with dropping a habitual activity to have more “doing nothing” time in your day. What is the impact? (this could be as simple as not listening to a podcast while you drive, or not being on your phone whenever time and space presents itself)
Notice a healthy activity that feels soothing and brings more presence in your life. What is the impact of increasing that activity? (this could be walking, listening to music, connecting with a hobby, etc.)
Formal practice: sit everyday for 10 - 20 minutes. Give yourself permission to do nothing. Let yourself space out. Let the mind yammer away without needing your experience to be different. Keep things really casual and loose. This could be in the form of just enjoying a cup of tea in the back yard or window gazing. What makes it formal is being intentional about creating the time in your day to come back to yourself.
Notice when presence arises spontaneously. What are conditions when that happens?
Notice when you are disconnected or disassociated. Instead of making it a problem, see if you can observe the conditions that create this state.
Be kind and patience with yourself. Unwinding takes time and requires gentleness and care.
Video recording: reframing meditation